Step/foster Parenting

Serenity · Step/foster Parenting

Have you ever looked after a child from outside your household? Perhaps as a foster carer, or helping out a family member for various reasons. How did it go? What help did you receive? What happened after the child was taken out of your care? Anything you know about this issue, please feel free to share your experiences here

Amber

Afew yrs ago hubby and me went to see about fostering, but didn't contiue as one of the things you had to do was let parents see there kiddies fair enogh, but you had to do reports on kid's /parents got on,----then you could say wether as well as professionals it was the right time for kiddies to go back to parents .

Icouldn't do it -- i would never have forgiven myself if a kiddie went home and later died from abuse/neglect.

tragically it does happen

Piggypetal

My oldest step son lived with us for a year he had a lot of behavioural issues that we got sorted out, he went to stay with his mum for new year she wouldn't bring him back I still miss him we're working on getting him back but it'staking time!

But my best advice to other new step parents who are unsure of how to approach the whole thing is DO NOT TRY TO BE THEIR PARENT! Be there friend don't push things too quickly let them know that should they need you for anything you are there and let the child/children accept you at their own pace. It won't be easy but it's worth all the lows when they finally realise they can trust you and open up.

lothianchick

i have 2 step daughters who are 22 and 25..when i first married there dad it was really difficult but once i had my 1st daughter things got much better.the 22 yr old ended up living with me from the age of 12.shes like my best friend now.had difficult times but the good times made it all worth it.id miss her loads now if we fell out

Memph1s

when i was about 5 my parents split up, i moved away with dad and we moved around a lot. we finaly moved to great yarmouth and when i was about 7 my sister came to live with us. we were staying in a B&B and my dad met my step mum. i did the usual step child thing and rebelled against her, but not because i didnt like her or didnt want her to replace my real mum but i guess i didnt like change. i spent a lot of time arguing with her and ignoring her when one day we had a massive bust up, we shouted at each other and i even pushed her out of my way.

strange thing though, this actually caused us to clear the air and we got on better from that point. its been almost 15 years since the day we met her and i wouldnt change anything. i call her mum and i introduce her as my mum (this gets odd looks as shes only about 13 years older than me lol) and i couldnt ask for a better person to have brought me up. people even say im like her which i take as a compliment.

i know this is a discussion for step/foster parents, but i just wanted to share my story from being on the other end and let you know its kinda tough for us too

Serenity

It's great to hear the other side Dave, that's what these threads are all about. 'Getting the whole picture', and making it clearer for others going through similar situations.

I understand about why you rebelled. When my parents split, we stayed with mum, for a long time it was us and her. Then when she started dating, I found it hard, mum was spending time away from us

how could she?........it was all very confusing, and I eventually realised I was jealous of someone else having her attention! I eventually grew up and realised, that she loved us all and needed time for herself, and more than deserved it too. But at first it was really hard to deal with, especially when you don't realise what it is you're feeling

It's great you can call her mum now Dave.

Also ann, being so close to your step daughter, must be a wonderful thing, and like you say, it makes the hard times seem worth it!

daxxxx

Thumper

Go give her a good talking to and tell her to grow up and let the child make up their own mind.

daxxxx

one thing i don't want to do is react to her ...u lot lol that's different ..i react to her she'd love that

it's the child i'm having problems biting my tongue with.. i know it's not his fault its just hard to ignore it.. without ignoring him

Thumper

Just try your best to rise above it, I'm sure it will get better with time. I 'm sure if he was left to make up his own mind he would realise how lucky he is, But at the moment he is still young and can be manipulated without knowing it is being done, It's just a good thing the other 3 are old enough to realise this

Jodie and I never totally liked our Step-Dad when we were younger, It's hard when a new person moves into your home, We loved him to bits as we got older and still do.

I'm sure this will have an happy ending, I just don't know when that will be for you

Amber

Reading about being step kid's makes me wonder how things will go for my son who is a step dad. though he became a step dad when the child was 1yr old the little girl is now 4yrs, she see's her father every 3rd weekend and he is dad, my son was first called daddy craig but the little one has now started to call him daddy--- he sooo good with her and treats her no differently to his own son, but i wonder how things will progress as she gets older and understands more. Umm food for thought i think. I'm sure the time will come when she say's "your not my dad"

Dreama

i think if they become step parents to very young children there isn't normally a problem because the children have grown up knowing no different. The problems are usually when a step parent enters the family when the children are a bit older because they're more set in their ways and the step parent feels like an intruder. i had a step father from being 13, and i never accepted him and we had a very difficult relationship. My step mother on the other hand, we met her when i was 15 and we got on fine until she married my dad about a year later, when the problems started. i don't suppose i was an easy teenager, but one of her 'rules' was that my mother wasn't aloud to ring me at home, and if she did she threatened to take all my xmas presents away from me. my brothers' and my nickname for her was the fire breathing pitmonster pmsl.
only now, in the last year or so i would say (i'm 36 now) have we got along better, but she hasn't changed, i have. i've let the past go and try not to let her wind me up anymore.
i would say my experiences have probably featured in me staying on my own with my children, i'm not saying step families don't work because theres a lot that definitely do and are better for them, but i think i'd be happier waiting until my children are grown up.

Serenity

I think you're right, it does seem easier when step parents are introduced to the children at a younger age. Christ, it's hard enough dealing with teenagers when they are your own kids, yet alone someone else coming into the family and trying lol

I remember when I was 14, and my mum newly divorced started dating men, and I remember being SOOO jealous, of the attention she was giving her new man. It was irrational of course, but very real, I think there's that much stuff going on in a teenagers head anyway, this just adds to the pressures. Thankfully, these things sorted themselves out, as I'm sure they do in most cases, but for those that don't get sorted, it must be a long hard road all round